haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
