Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
