Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
