I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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