I wanna passion pit in your ass
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
