when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
