The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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