I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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