his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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