the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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