i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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