I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
