he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
