sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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