There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
