Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
