my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize