Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
accomplished twins. life is a go
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
