Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
