I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
