I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
