Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
