Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Four minutes until I can fart!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
