One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
