i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
