If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
