Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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