I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
