ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
