i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
