Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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