I looked at my own cervix.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
