so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
