No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
