Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
