"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
