I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
