I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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