We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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