I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
