I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She even gives head with a lisp.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
