She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
