Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
