i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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