Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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