You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
