Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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