The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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