Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
