I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
