Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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