Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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