Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize