i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
