I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
