I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
