i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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