Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
