you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im holly from the hills drunk
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
