I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Houston, we have a squirter
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
