If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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