Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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