his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
