I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
